whenever you feel sad or lonely,

                         it’s always great to have something you love to do

                                 that way you put all your energy into that

                                       when people stop putting energy into you.

October 10th with 3 notes | reblog

I have this mini life dream.

When the weather is cool and slightly breezy,

I want to sit on the largest hill,

as close as I can get to the sky,

and gaze up for a while. 

I was hoping you’d be gazing with me.

May 3rd | reblog

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April 30th with 1 note | reblog

I wonder if it’s because I didn’t exactly visit you on your anniversary, brother.

I screwed myself over instead.

Is it sad that the only time anyone visits is on the day you hated the most?

October 11th | reblog

At first it felt wonderful.

Then, I felt I could use it.

Later, I became the used.

Your selfishness and addiction are overpowering and I worry that you’ll spiral down, soaking in the anxiety that you try so hard to escape. Then again, that might be the only way you’ll repair the destruction you’ve caused. 

You reminded me that no matter how strong I believe I am, the several structures in the brain controlling emotion are tiny and fragile. There is only so much suffering they can handle. 

I can’t suffer anymore.   

October 10th | reblog

Your feathers have an elusive quality to their gleaming vibrancy.

It could be that the monotonous nature of your life traveling

Has taught you bliss is a fleeting delicacy.

September 7th with 1 note | reblog

Why is a steel-barricaded defense eroding into a condition I can no longer recognize as even a pitiful fence? Bedeviled by not only the chipping of a continually damaged trust and a shattering will to gaze upon beauty because I can no longer identify it, it dawns upon me there is no protection here. Perhaps there truly never was. In retrospect, maybe the self-sustained comfort was a pretense measure of self-preservation. Now that I no longer feel it, now that several lures were allowed just enough control to entirely sever the mirage supposedly serving as armor - there is only to rebuild.

Yet, when all the materials and tools have disintegrated along with the false comfort, one has to wonder how. Does one gather the mud and shape it with bare, unskilled hands?  Does one remain and reflect, forever reliving what is breaking them down? Does one look to others?

What colors the misery an even deeper shade is that its causes are minor problems in comparison to battles others have to face. This is a privileged life that has the opportunity to look upon a setting run as others die from hunger.  

I want to forgive. I want to hate. I want to at least know why.

But that’s the ugliness of life - always wanting.  

I still want to give.

But there is only so much to give before one is left giving away parts that can never be retrieved.

September 1st | reblog

tl;dr

Ultimately I feel pain is majorly self-inflicted.

In choosing the people to put timely effort into and how much one allows another’s influence to intrude, in choosing actions whilst experiencing their consequences, and finally in choosing the outlook on certain situations whether positive, negative, or a combination of both - it is the self which chooses how intensely the pain affects them in the end. Granted some situations are much darker as more uncontrollable than others.

Being that you are the only person physically living your life, you have the freedom to do as you want to do, feel how you want to feel, and think as you want to think yet why is it the presence of others, presence of attachment, the presence of society, of order, and finally of what’s acceptable and expected that have enough audacity to cage that freedom and disguise it as freewill?

 

idkkk I’m in a weary yet bitchin’ mood. I should take a break with the pretentiously deep-pondered posts and start posting stupid shit. 

July 8th with 1 note | reblog

So I’m in the ER

Tumblin’ from my cell at midnight.

Anyway, started my day driving to my sister’s house. Almost died due to my hatred that burns like a thousand toasters when driving my dad’s big ass truck.

So I then arrive in one piece & had an decent time - mostly got deep discussion lectures about life from mid-twenty to thirty folks whilst eating.

(side note) Texas sucks because my county banned fireworks due to shitty weather.

Now I’m currently ending my day limping to the ER, waiting in pain.

It kind of made my day when this lady asked me if I was okay as I limped through the ER’s entrance.

Sweet thought. A stranger caring about your well-being.

We’re both in the ER. On the 4th of july. I’m limping. Most likely I’m probably not okay.

lol but she seemed sweet while being briefly yet genuinely concerned. Had a slight crack-head vibe about her but still I wish her the best.

The emergency room is a strange place at midnight.

July 5th | reblog